|thank you "badass biker chick boots" for gaining me that quoted affirmation from Scott, Jodi's husband - haha|
Being completely honest here, it's been a rough week.
I know with the holiday it should have been a week of nothing but food and friends and celebration - and it was, please don't get me wrong - but along with that, there has been a lot of crap going on that was, and is, weighing very heavily on my mind. Things that I thought so surely I was getting over, and working past but... Have crept back up on me and knocked me down again.
Not to complain. I mean that.
I'm not complaining - I'm just sayin', is all.
I've always known that my mind is both my greatest refuge and the hermitage of my own worst enemy - such is the curse of the introvert I suppose.
That worst enemy though, the devil on my shoulder so to speak, is trying like mad to sway me into being someone I desperately don't want to be (easy as it seems that path would make things). With that though, I lead off the things I am grateful for this week...
1. Thank you God. Leading off with the tough one, but I am thankful. You are testing me - even when I think I have reached a breaking point. You are pushing me further than I want to go, but I fear not further than I can go. It scares me that You know that, that You know my breaking points, and that You will continue to present me with situations I fear. But in that I have no option but to trust You - trust that You have reasons, that You believe it is for the best and that You trust me. In so many ways I don't know why I am thankful for the fact that You are doing this to me, but like I said: I don't really have many options here. Not good ones anyway. I read somewhere that "Faith in God means faith in His timing." I freely admit that I am extremely angry, unconscionably bitter and viciously jealous right now - emotions I am (perhaps mercifully) unfamiliar with up to this point. But here again, I have few options. I can let those feelings control me or I can trust that You have a plan so much greater than my own and will mold me into the person I so badly want to be. Both for myself, for someone else, and for You. Thank you for showing me the easy way out, but granting me the strength through grace to choose the better option.
2. Thank you, on that note, for prayer. Now I don't care if you're Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist, Agnostic, Muslim... Whatever. I think when we lay awake at night, waiting for sleep, we all tend to talk to someone or something. I happen to call that someone God, and that's what makes sense for me so I will use that here, but what I am thankful for is prayer in general: that ability to talk to the Great Whoever. There are a lot of people out there who have a hard time with prayer, regardless of who it is directed to, and I am grateful that that is a stumble I've not experienced. I've always relied on the chance to talk to God, either out loud or in my head, when I need to just talk or think. And in reference to the above, I've relied very heavily on this open line of communication in the past week. In a fit of not knowing where else to turn for relief from my own stupid head, I searched for a passage to ease the worried mind and found this:
"Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything.
With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God.
Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you
with peace that no one can completely understand.
And this peace will control the way you think and feel"
- Phillipians 4:6-7 -
Thank you for that. I needed that.
3. Thank you for friends who listen to me prattle on about everything I've already mentioned. Friends like Jodi & Caitlyn, Robin & Dean and my Blakino. How they are not sick of me yet is beyond me and yet, there they are when I need to talk and vent about the same old bullshit (forgive my language, I thought about abbreviating it or using some stupid euphemism, but the effect was not there because what I mean in all honesty is done justice by that word alone). These people have listened to me vent, whine, cry and wail ever since my world went pear-shaped and never once faltered in their loyalty and love. What would I do without you? I hope I never have to find out.
4. Thank you for Thanksgiving! It was a day where I was truly able to put everything on hold and focus entirely on the joy and happiness of good friends and good food (and good wine, ha). We made an obscene amount of treats and indulged until we were round and sluggish on the couch - but with enough oomph left in us to play Cranium (priorities people, priorities). There was love and happiness all around. Such is the way of The Camaraderie.
5. Thank you, finally, for Alyssa's engagement! Jared's little sister got engaged yesterday and it's so exciting! She is the sweetest thing and asked me to be her wedding photographer next winter and I was completely thrilled to accept. Congratulations Alyssa and Luke, I can't wait for your wedding!
6. Thank you Joel Palmer House! The folks at this amazing restaurant hosted a HUGE post-Thanksgiving weekend event tonight for the entire wine industry as a Thank You to everyone for another wine-tasting season well done. Basically they open up the grounds to everyone and anyone - all you have to do is bring a bottle to share and be merry! The executive chef was out mingling with us all, taking us on tours of the wine cellar and eager to see what kind of goodies awaited on the wine table. It's cool because we all eagerly awaited the wild mushroom soup, quinoa & edamame salad, truffle shrimp, black bean hummus and wild mushroom risotto (oh heavens, the risotto... I could write sonnets). And the wine! So much good wine to share. Seeing all of our friends from other wineries, Jodi and I were freaking out (so was Don, but he's much more reserved than us). What a fun way to end the season.
Is it just me, or are these posts getting more and more longwinded? Sorry about that.
If you've stuck it out to this point, thank you. I really do appreciate you lending an ear (an eye? I'm not sure)!
Somehow it's almost December and you all know what that means...
Time for Christmas movies.
Have a happy week all - happiness is always a better option, isn't it? I choose happiness.